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The Blue Pootle has always suffered from an excess of imagination and the ability to use it to escape from the mundane. Therefore, small tasks occasionally get forgotten, tasks such as gardening, shopping, going out of the house, cleaning the house, cleaning myself, whilst I amuse myself with the following fantasies:

I’m an X-Man. An X-Woman. I’m the female equivalent of Wolverine, obviously, rather than the female equivalent of Professor X. I’m the female equivalent of Wolverine who gets to shag Wolverine on the weekends. That’s Wolverine in the films rather than in the comic. Female Wolverine: I guess that makes me Bitch. Yeah. That’s my X-Woman name – Bitch. Don’t mess with me. I can scratch your eyes out and yowl a lot.

I’m Mr Tickle. Didn’t you ever want enormously long arms and the ability to bend them round corners? Think of all the fun you could have… okay, so after you’ve tickled someone from 100 yards away there really is not a lot else to do with your amazing arms, but think about it. You also get to be orange and wear a small hat and hang out with the other Mr Men.

I’m a whole heap of classic heroines, except that I realise everything is teetering on the precipice of tragedy and neatly sidestep it, riding off with Mr Rochester/Romeo/Hamlet/Heathcliffe before he gets blinded/commits suicide/stabs my father behind the arras/stays in a really grumpy mood for the rest of his life.

I’m Halo Jones. It doesn’t get any cooler than that. Space travel, Rat Kings, speaking dolphin, intergalactic warfare, robot dogs, ear collecting, sex changes, drumming, The Hoop, the SS Clara Pandy…

I’m Beatrice from Much Ado About Nothing. I am extremely waspish and impossible to get along with, and I like making life difficult…hang on, that’s me already.